July 13, 2009

things are


I'll be fine.

July 7, 2009

I Remember When You Hurt Me...

You know when you have a secret and you really just want someone to know? That's how I feel. I am this big balloon filled with secrets and at any moment I might just pop. The only person who knows what happened to me is my mom and she intends on keeping it to herself! But I am so sick of hiding what happened to me. I want people to know, I just want to let it out.




I just want people to know, I want people to stop looking at me and think I'm okay because I'm not! I need help, but I'm too afraid to ask anyone. There's no one to talk to. My brother is too young and immature to understand, I don't really trust my step dad because anything involving the word "dad" still bothers me, and my mom treats me like a freak every time something bad happens or I do something wrong.

I am so alone. My heart hurts so badly, it's like all the glass pieces I tried to put back together are falling apart and I can't do anything about it. I wish I had a friend, someone to trust. And I talk to God but he is taking so long to answer...I don't know how much longer I can live like this...

July 6, 2009

I do NOT Believe Your lies Satan!!

I am not giving up; you may be stronger than me but you are NOT stronger than Jesus Christ who defeated you. You're worthless and I pity you because one day you will get yours and you KNOW who Christ is yet you choose your own paths. You know you are doomed forever and you still walk on. I am no longer in your control; I belong to Jesus just like he said. I am his kid and one day, I hope he makes you pay for everything you have done to me. I hope he makes you pay for everything you have done to all his children! You have tempted us and destroyed us. You've beaten us down with your lies and have led some of us to hate ourselves, kill ourselves, and hurt ourselves. But NO MORE! I'm done with you and your crap.
"He doesn't love you. Look at yourself, you're ugly. DISGUSTING."
I used to believe you about this but no more. God says, " love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. - Proverbs 8:17"
"You never changed. LOOK! You are just the same as you were yesterday."
But God says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. - Galatians 2:20" When I accepted Jesus as my savior, he changed me. And yes, you may have ruined it for me, but there is nothing that God can't fix and nothing that God won't help me through.
"You made a mistake that God will never forgive you for. You're unforgivable, worthless."
God says, "If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to His own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action].1 John 1: 9"
I admit, I masturbated. I still pull out my hair sometimes. But God loves me and I will not be conquered by some evil monster who wants me to never find God. One day, I will be so strong in my faith, nothing you say or put in my mind and heart will hurt me. I do not have to deal with your crap anymore. God loves me, he died for me and he's gonna get you.
Dear God,
Please forgive me! Help me repent change my heart! Masturbation is wrong and disgusting and I hate that I do it to myself!! It's nasty and It sickens me and you. Please, whenever I have something that triggers my lust, help me come to you. Fight it for me! Because I tried to fight it by myself and look what happened, I did it anyways. I am not strong without you. You said that with you anything is possible. If so God, please, help me stop! This is destroying my relationship with you and my walk. I am doing it for my own selfish needs. I want to work for you and others! Please, don't let me stray again. I'm so sorry that I do this, I want to stop. You are more important to me than anything. I will get baptised and I will follow you because without you, I will surely die. Without you, I am nothing.

July 1, 2009

I'm guilty of...

trichotillmania and masturbating.

One has become such a horrible habit. It is so hard to get rid of it.
The other has become the easiest way to gain pleasure and guilt.
I have asked or rather BEGGED God to help me stop both, but it seems like he really wants me to tell my mom...which scares me. My mom, although I love her, is very old fashioned. I remember just last year when she discovered I had been pulling again, she was so sad. It's like she blames herself for the crap that I go through. She blames herself for dad molesting me too. I know it. And she gets very mad...to be honest, I'm just scared of how she will handle it. I don't want her to tell my step dad either because what an AWKWARD conversation that would be to have with him. I know that one day or another, I will have to do it God's way or else I'll never heal...I just wish he would make it easier on me ya know?

I always ask myself how the heck did this happen? How did I go from being a "normal" girl to a girl that pulls out her hair and toys with herself? I realized that I only did those things to try and fill the emptiness in my heart. But only God can fill that and I have found him recently. I also want to talk to my dad about what he did, but I'm afraid he'll deny every word I say...but I have to confront him about it! After all, the molestation has affected my whole life up til recently!! What he did has caused many problems in my life! And I want to tell him I forgive him and still love him even after all he did to me...I just don't ever want to be in a room with him alone without my mommy or my step dad again. I don't want my brother, who I hope was unaffected by my father, to be alone with him. It is the only consequence he will have to deal with. Otherwise, no cops, no lawsuit, no divorce from any of his children. We still love him, I still love him. God has made the memories of my past vague so as not to hurt me because every time I try to remember what happened, a little voice in my head says don't and it's like something is blocking me from seeing it.

I long to do what is right. I just want to please you and make you happy. I want to be sooo sooo in love with you. I don't ever want to let you go. And I know telling mom would be the right thing to do but I am afraid. Please, i can't tell her now...she's been really mad lately and for no reason. Please, when the time is right, help me tell her. And help us find a church, we need a family again. I want a family again...Forgive me for being mean to Ben and for disobeying my parents. Forgive me if I cursed as well. Please help me as I battle with lust and the temptation to masturbate. Who knew girls could suffer with such a thing right? Please help me resist my temptation..I know that I failed yesterday, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it but I couldn't stop thinking about it and I realized I can't watch certain shows because they make me want to do that. I'm sorry I got into a lot of stuff instead of getting into you. I'm sorry I've been away for so long...I know I had been talking to you about not wanting a father because of what dad did to me, but if I'm going to forgive dad, then I can start by allowing you to be my dad. I know you won't hurt me or lie to me or touch me wrongly and abuse me....I am finally ready for you. My whole heart searches for you, not just the bits and pieces. Now I know why I found you in 7th grade and not any other time. I love you God...Thank you for sending Jesus for me. Thank you for waking me up with sunshine in the morning. For the flowers and their colors. For the home I live in, the music I am able to hear. For the friends I have and the few close ones I have. For the love I am surrounded by. For parents who love me no matter what. For parents who work for me and my brother to provide us with the best they can. And thank you for being so awesome and merciful. I don't deserve you, not even to kiss your feet like Mary did. I don't deserve to see you or hear you talk to me every time after bible study. I don't deserve to have anything I have and yet you love me and say I am clean. You forget my sins as quickly as I did them...I am in great debt to you and long for you to show me the way. Let me work for you, breathe and live through me please. Help me lead my friends to you and let them see the light shine through me. Heal me and make me whole because only you can make me feel again. Stay with me forever.