You Can't Control Who You Fall For.

My heart has chosen.

I am not in control of how I feel for someone or if I'm attracted to someone. I can control what I do about it...and in this case, I've decided to do nothing. I'm just gonna rock the boat and see how it goes. What else am I supposed to do? I really like you and you're probably no good for me but my heart has already given itself away.

My friends don't understand this. Especially my closest guy friend, Dave. He just thinks that I can control who I like and who I don't like. That I can stop thinking about Willy whenever I want. But it's been a week now and he has been a thought in my head every single day. No matter how hard I have tried to stop thinking of him, he's always there. I can't even lie about it. My mom asked me if I liked him and I couldn't even keep a straight face. I tried to say "No" but my smile and blushing cheeks gave that answer away real quick.

He hugged me...I just walked home in this trance-like state thinking, "Hugs. It went from tapping on the shoulder to hugs in like...a day!" Lol...I know, childish thinking. But I couldn't help it. I haven't liked someone in so long that I've kinda forgotten what it feels like to flirt and joke and just be Happy. Gosh, I'm just so happy it's pretty ridiculous. Dave doesn't make me feel any better though. He always tries to bring me down because I like Willy. Sadly, he succeeds sometimes. I mean I shouldn't like him, I'm just accepting that I do and we'll see where it goes from there. Hopefully I won't be too shy. I wish I wasn't so darn shy...ugh. Oh well, maybe tomorrow will be one of those days in which everything turns out right :)

Oh snap, Chem homework and Civics worksheet...I'll write more maybe Sunday-ish. Night everyone

Happy 4/20...I like You.

You're in my head.

Still smiling that stupid, irresistible smile; the one no girl, especially one like me, is safe from.

You really do smoke. You really do need something to keep you on that supposed "wonderful high." So today must be your day, isn't it? I bet, later on today or maybe at night who knows, you'll be with your "friends" smoking a j and swigging down some Ecstasy. Oh come on, baby. We all know you do it now. I know you do it now.

How does it feel honey? To be the smartest, nicest, and hottest kid in school and yet, be a drug addict. Maybe I'm going to far, maybe you're not addicted. You can "stop whenever" you'd like can't you?

God I don't understand. You could be anything you want and you choose to be this?! Why can't you see what I see? Why is it that I see such a wonderful person and all you do to yourself is kill yourself. Such a slow way to die. I don't need you. I don't know you. And I certainly don't love you. But you know what willy? I LIKE you. I really really like YOU. And you don't know, and you probably will never know. These past 5 days, you've been running circles in my head and the same thought keeps crossing my mind. "What if he gets hurt? What will I do? What will his family and friends do? Who will we become without such a wonderful person in our lives?"

I think I know what I've been trying to deny for these past few days. Not only was I trying to deny liking you, but also, I was trying to stop caring. It is so difficult to stop caring for someone when you want to help them. But who am I? I'm just a girl. You're just a boy. We live on the same world yet on totally different universes. Gosh, it sucks.

It sucks because I want you so bad. And I can't have you at all.

What the...?

I am so out of it today. I don't know what's wrong with me. Today, everything seemed like it was moving so slow and yet so fast. I didn't want to get out of bed and slept in til two pm! And now, I'm watching Pride and Prejudice with only one person on my mind.

My cousin is better thankfully. He will be out of the hospital by Tuesday which is wonderful. I long to see him run and jump; he's confined to his hospital bed and I must say, it's made him really unhappy and moody. They got all the fluid out of his lungs though, that's the important part.

I don't think I've told you about Willy have I? Well, there's not much to say, at least, I don't think so. He's a senior I've been lucky to meet this year. He sits at the very far end of the table, very happy kid. Always smiling. He's a really handsome kid with the bluest eyes I've ever seen. He's also very kind and funny. And yet, for such a pretty face lies an ugly lifestyle. Supposedly, he does drugs. In fact, it's all he can talk about, possibly all he can think about. I'm not allowed to think of him, I've made that pretty clear to myself. I've found that when you don't allow yourself to do something, it makes it that much harder to not do it. Since Thursday I've been like this : irritable, disconnected, pre occupied. My thoughts have been held by this one person for these past few days and I can't take it anymore! If I keep thinking about him, I'm sure my head is bound to explode. My mind and my heart are already at war with each other, one trying to talk some common sense into the other and the other wanting desperately to disregard the truth. I was doing so well too, almost went an entire year where no one had my thoughts or my feelings all twisted up into bits of confusion like this. It's not fair! Why do all the cute ones always have something wrong with them; too selfish, too conceited, into drugs, not reliable, and definitely not trustworthy. I think God made guys all wrong. He should've given the not so attractive guys handsomer faces since they usually would make the best boyfriends.

What surprises me so, is that I can't stop thinking about him. Ever since I found out what he did, he's been a constant thought in my head. What he does disgusts me to the core but it just seems so out of character for him. I can't think of him doing that! Every time I tell myself "he does drugs. Forget it." the more he runs circles around my head. Even my parents can notice this! Of course, I don't think they know it has anything to do with willy, my step dad says he feels as thought I'm lost and he's right. I am just so completely out of it...it seems like every where I turn there's a new object of stress in my path. If I turn right, my grades - which are not at all satisfactory to me no matter how hard I try - consume me, if I turn left, the idea of analyzing every person I know to see who is my real friend taunts me, however if I keep going straight ahead, this boy who I know is definitely No good for me whatsoever clouds my mind with fog. There's no option of going back, it's not like the past can be undone and so my means of escape seem limited.

I am just gonna go now...maybe if I don't think, maybe it'll go away.

- Ana

To Willie...

I hate your blue eyes and the way they crinkle when you laugh or smile. Or the way they shine into the very depths of my black soul, bringing in some light to a lonely heart.

I hate your golden hair and how you have to flip it every time it goes into your eyes and how it reflects the sunlight and blinds me a little.

I hate your lips and how much I wish I could kiss them every time I see you.

I hate it when you hug me because it's never close enough and it's never long enough.

I hate your hands and how they shake when you hold mine.

I hate being around you because my words never come out right and I always do a great job at making a fool out of myself.

I hate how your face crinkles up when you're unsure or feel bad for someone.

I hate how you always try to surprise me by coming up behind me.

I hate how we have to go separate ways every time I say goodbye; You to your bus and I on the long walk home.

I hate how you invade my thoughts and affect my mood.

I hate that one text from you is enough to make my heart beat way too fast and my hands shake with excitement and joy.

I hate that when you look into my eyes, my whole face reddens and I can barely find the strength to look you in the eye as well.

I hate how nonchalant you are and how at peace you make me feel...other than those butterflies in my stomach of course.

I hate the way you look at me, they way you talk and laugh with me....

And I REALLY can't stand how much I love all these things about you. It makes it that much harder for me to accept you're leaving.

I Don't Wanna Go.

My baby cousin is in the hospital with pneumonia...I don't wanna go. It's not because I have anything against him, I love him with all my heart, I just...don't wanna go. I hate hospitals. It always smells like death is right around the corner and everywhere you go you see sick, helpless, poor people. And I can't heal them; I can't make them stop crying and screaming...I can't take away their pain.

I was supposed to be going to a meeting uptown today to talk with our school officials and leaders but it looks like that won't be happening any time soon. My step dad wants me to go, my brother is of course being the 'good' child and agreeing with him, and my mom expects to see me there.

I bet all of you are thinking, "It's your family! How could you even for a second think of not going?" And you know what...I agree with you. But I can't hide my true feelings. I don't wanna go their. I don't wanna see him. I don't even wanna know he's sick. I don't even though I know I should be feeling the exact opposite way.

I've been like this for awhile now. Selfish, forgettable, too busy for everyone I love and care for . I don't know why either; It all started last summer too after that horrible break up and feeling like no one cared. No one did care either, they were too busy living their lives, soaking up the sun. I guess because they didn't care before now I don't notice or care to notice. I don't know, am I messed up for feeling this way? I hate not being able to make my own choices...I hate depending on other people to do things for me, and I can't stand it when people tell me who I am supposed to be. I don't even know who I am. I just don't understand anything going on in this life of mine.

One of my friends said I ignore everyone at our lunch table. That's not true though! They're the ones who don't include me, who didn't take the time or even care enough to know more than just my face and my name, I'm the one that doesn't belong there. I finally realized my role with many of my "friends" at the lunch table. I'm the invisible girl. The one everyone sees but can't really "see". You see her face but don't know her name. Sometimes, you forget she's filling the empty space next to you...when was she next to you? Has she always been there? I think I know what I have to do now.

give up.

This entire sophomore year, I've struggled with myself, my grades, and even bigger, my friends. I've spent months trying to close the gap and it was all in vain. The entire first semester I spent trying to feel like I belong and when I finally felt like I belonged I tried to close the gap but now I see I don't belong anywhere. I belong to no one and have consequently become no one. Which isn't too bad...it just gets lonely sometimes. Knowing you have no one to talk to or to connect with hurts. Sure, I have my family and they're wonderful...but sometimes I want friends...real friends. And I can only think of 2 people but even we are growing apart.

Life sucks. And this world is a cruel cruel place. I hope God comes soon so that I don't have to be here anymore.

-Ana

Ana, You Be Just Who You Are

Today was not a bad day but not a happy day. It was just a day that I am probably going to forget forever as soon as this week is over.

This really scary thought keeps pestering at me too, I keep thinking that I'm going to lose all my friends after this year is gone. Most of them are seniors and I know that as soon as they go their ways, it will be like they never existed. Like I made them up in my own mind...They're not the type of people I can replace nor are they the type of people that I would want to replace. I'm going to miss them...so much. They don't know how much they mean to me either; I'm too damn shy! There's so many things I wish to say but every time I wish to say them, the words are never right and then my head is spinning and I just want to disappear in a box that can contain all of my emotions and keep them where they should be...inside.

I've also decided that I will never ever EVER major in chemistry or any type of science. I hate it!!! It seems as though no matter how hard I try and how much I study I can't amount to anything in their!! :( whatever. Grades and school are not something I want to think about on my 15 minute break.

I haven't loved someone in a while. It will almost be a year...in June. It's not that I don't want to love either...It's just that there's no one that has caught my eye yet...I don't know. I'm not very good at relationships. I'm too shy; I couldn't even have a regular conversation with my ex that's how bad it was! Eh, maybe I'm just not ready to love even though I can assure you I wish I was. Well, there's always a time for everything, I guess romance will have to wait and stay in my dreams where everything is usually the way things should be...except for yesterday. I had the strangest dream about my ex's mother and she was going off to the military. But it was strange because I was in this big house with all my friends and we were standing in line for some type of magazine. It was sooo bizarre; I woke up and just couldn't figure it out...I still can't. Well, my break's up :( Hopefully I can get on on Thursday. Tomorrow is gonna be the another busy day with 3 tests, a meeting for people running for an office spot, and then another meeting with schools around the state in our little uptown city. More laterss

love,

Ana

I Don't Know Why I Didn't Come...

It looks beautiful outside, so sunny that I could almost taste the happiness it brings. And yet, I'm stuck here in this prison of mine. I promised myself that when I graduate from high school I will travel the world. How? I don't know but I do know that I will be doing it. I'm sick of my life. I have no real friends, my family seems to be moving and leaving me behind, and I lost the one person who meant so much to me. He was the only person who loved me when I said I hated the world, the only one to be there in my moments of pain. But now, he seems to have disappeared and I want change so badly. Someone once told me that high school is supposed to be one of the greatest times of your life. I would just like to tell that person that you are the stupidest and most naive person I have ever met; HIGH SCHOOL SUCKS!!! Especially if you're a perfectionist who tries so hard to excel but can't get the grades you want. I'm ready to give up...actually, I really want to just stop caring. But I can't.

So this is it huh? This is how life is supposed to be. I'm forever condemned to live a boring life, work in an office, scrape by to make a living, get married, have children, cook and clean for other people, forget who I am and who I once was, become a zombie who is satisfied with the same routine, the same faces, SAME SAME SAME SAME! ugh! I want so much more to happen! I want to wake up and every day is different. I want to travel and learn about the other people who surround us. I want to take risks and I want to succeed, and I want to love and to live. And yet, here I am. Stuck in the same old fricking house, with the same uncaring friends,and the same grades as last week and last year and the year before that. I'm trapped.

love,

Ana

She Spins Her Tails

Broken.

I've always wondered if we come into this world just to be broken so that we could find the right person to put us back together again. From as far back as I can remember - which isn't very far as I seem to have repressed my childhood memories - there are only three or four precious moment in which I can say I was truly happy. Moments in which I was truly laughing and smiling...truly there. But somewhere along this dark road called life, I got lost. I don't know who I am or who I am supposed to be. I don't know why I'm here and who I'm here for. All I do know, is that it's almost two in the morning and I can't sleep.

My name is Ana. Welcome to my first blog post in three years and I must say, it feels good to be back. I decided to come back as a way to speak and be heard without digging my grave as I tend to do when speaking with my family and friends. This blog is soley meant to be a solace to me; life hasn't been the best and I need a way out. It's what we teens do. As they say, when it gets tough, you either wimp out or get going. I'd like to get going :)

with lots of love,

Ana

P.S.

It's nice to meet you all!