I am so out of it today. I don't know what's wrong with me. Today, everything seemed like it was moving so slow and yet so fast. I didn't want to get out of bed and slept in til two pm! And now, I'm watching Pride and Prejudice with only one person on my mind.
My cousin is better thankfully. He will be out of the hospital by Tuesday which is wonderful. I long to see him run and jump; he's confined to his hospital bed and I must say, it's made him really unhappy and moody. They got all the fluid out of his lungs though, that's the important part.
I don't think I've told you about Willy have I? Well, there's not much to say, at least, I don't think so. He's a senior I've been lucky to meet this year. He sits at the very far end of the table, very happy kid. Always smiling. He's a really handsome kid with the bluest eyes I've ever seen. He's also very kind and funny. And yet, for such a pretty face lies an ugly lifestyle. Supposedly, he does drugs. In fact, it's all he can talk about, possibly all he can think about. I'm not allowed to think of him, I've made that pretty clear to myself. I've found that when you don't allow yourself to do something, it makes it that much harder to not do it. Since Thursday I've been like this : irritable, disconnected, pre occupied. My thoughts have been held by this one person for these past few days and I can't take it anymore! If I keep thinking about him, I'm sure my head is bound to explode. My mind and my heart are already at war with each other, one trying to talk some common sense into the other and the other wanting desperately to disregard the truth. I was doing so well too, almost went an entire year where no one had my thoughts or my feelings all twisted up into bits of confusion like this. It's not fair! Why do all the cute ones always have something wrong with them; too selfish, too conceited, into drugs, not reliable, and definitely not trustworthy. I think God made guys all wrong. He should've given the not so attractive guys handsomer faces since they usually would make the best boyfriends.
What surprises me so, is that I can't stop thinking about him. Ever since I found out what he did, he's been a constant thought in my head. What he does disgusts me to the core but it just seems so out of character for him. I can't think of him doing that! Every time I tell myself "he does drugs. Forget it." the more he runs circles around my head. Even my parents can notice this! Of course, I don't think they know it has anything to do with willy, my step dad says he feels as thought I'm lost and he's right. I am just so completely out of it...it seems like every where I turn there's a new object of stress in my path. If I turn right, my grades - which are not at all satisfactory to me no matter how hard I try - consume me, if I turn left, the idea of analyzing every person I know to see who is my real friend taunts me, however if I keep going straight ahead, this boy who I know is definitely No good for me whatsoever clouds my mind with fog. There's no option of going back, it's not like the past can be undone and so my means of escape seem limited.
I am just gonna go now...maybe if I don't think, maybe it'll go away.
- Ana
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