I Don't Wanna Go.

My baby cousin is in the hospital with pneumonia...I don't wanna go. It's not because I have anything against him, I love him with all my heart, I just...don't wanna go. I hate hospitals. It always smells like death is right around the corner and everywhere you go you see sick, helpless, poor people. And I can't heal them; I can't make them stop crying and screaming...I can't take away their pain.

I was supposed to be going to a meeting uptown today to talk with our school officials and leaders but it looks like that won't be happening any time soon. My step dad wants me to go, my brother is of course being the 'good' child and agreeing with him, and my mom expects to see me there.

I bet all of you are thinking, "It's your family! How could you even for a second think of not going?" And you know what...I agree with you. But I can't hide my true feelings. I don't wanna go their. I don't wanna see him. I don't even wanna know he's sick. I don't even though I know I should be feeling the exact opposite way.

I've been like this for awhile now. Selfish, forgettable, too busy for everyone I love and care for . I don't know why either; It all started last summer too after that horrible break up and feeling like no one cared. No one did care either, they were too busy living their lives, soaking up the sun. I guess because they didn't care before now I don't notice or care to notice. I don't know, am I messed up for feeling this way? I hate not being able to make my own choices...I hate depending on other people to do things for me, and I can't stand it when people tell me who I am supposed to be. I don't even know who I am. I just don't understand anything going on in this life of mine.

One of my friends said I ignore everyone at our lunch table. That's not true though! They're the ones who don't include me, who didn't take the time or even care enough to know more than just my face and my name, I'm the one that doesn't belong there. I finally realized my role with many of my "friends" at the lunch table. I'm the invisible girl. The one everyone sees but can't really "see". You see her face but don't know her name. Sometimes, you forget she's filling the empty space next to you...when was she next to you? Has she always been there? I think I know what I have to do now.

give up.

This entire sophomore year, I've struggled with myself, my grades, and even bigger, my friends. I've spent months trying to close the gap and it was all in vain. The entire first semester I spent trying to feel like I belong and when I finally felt like I belonged I tried to close the gap but now I see I don't belong anywhere. I belong to no one and have consequently become no one. Which isn't too bad...it just gets lonely sometimes. Knowing you have no one to talk to or to connect with hurts. Sure, I have my family and they're wonderful...but sometimes I want friends...real friends. And I can only think of 2 people but even we are growing apart.

Life sucks. And this world is a cruel cruel place. I hope God comes soon so that I don't have to be here anymore.

-Ana