God...

Why is everyone leaving me?

I love them all so much, and you're letting them go without me!

I'm afraid...next year will be so different. I will probably never see anyone I care about ever again and it scares me! I hate losing people. I usually go into things thinking it'll last a lifetime; I shouldn't have done that with these guys. But God, even though they don't care for me, I love them so much. I really really do. If anything happened, I'd be there. God, please forbid anything to happen to them! I don't want to lose them...but they're leaving and I've lost them already. In fact, I never had them. But oh, how I've wanted them all. You see, only you and I know how much I care about them. They don't know about it...and I don't think they'd care to know about it. I am so afraid God. I am going into a new school year with hardly any friends, a certainty that it will be so hard I will want you to take me away, and classes that are going to be a challenge. I should have prayed about this earlier but I didn't know Audra had moved away...everyone is leaving and in the worst way possible. Without a goodbye! If they at least said goodbye, it wouldn't hurt as much as finding out they were gone forever. I can't let go so I need you to do it for me...please! How can I go on and take out what you have planned for me if I am stuck in the past and wish for so many things I cannot change? Change me, fill me, breathe me. I need to live for you, to make you happy. I love you...I love you oh so much. And I can't do this alone! I feel like I'm about to cry. These people were all I had when I moved here and now life is going on and it's going on without me. They have all grown away from me but I have loved them even so. God, please, I just want to long and yearn for you. NOT for the mere friendship from people who don't care for me! Please god, let me see that they don't care and that you have wonderful things for me in store! Please, Lord, Jesus, help me let go and move on. How I beg you to quiet down the nerves that stir every fiber in my being at this moment. I am tired of wrestling the same thing, please wrestle it for me. It has made me weak and hurt me so many times. Take it. My friendships, my exes, my love life, my hurt...take it all. I don't want it anymore. I just want to serve you and shine in your light...yes. That is all I want.

In the name of Jesus Christ, the lord,

Amen.

Things.

They're okay now.

Just had a moment :)

I love my family. They mean the world to me. Even when they make me upset or annoy me. God gave them to me for a reason, they're the best!

I haven't talked to Willie in like a week and a couple of days now. It's not that I don't like him, it's just well he was making me do all the chasing! I felt like a man!! Plus, he did this thing where he wouldn't text me back until like five hours had passed and it just made me soo mad because he would text me first and I'd reply without getting an answer for like 3 hours! Plus, it's not like I really liked him anyways. He was very cute, had the prettiest eyes and the best sense of humor but there were times where I would just look at him and ...ew. It's all just physical attraction anyways. He's missing out; I was actually going to show him who I really am but thank God he showed me he's not worth it or ready. If he really liked me like he said he did he would make the moves, call me and not take one hundred years to answer when I reply, and he would've asked me out already. Soooo, I'm guessing the guy just got scared off haha! Totally understandable since I was practically making all the moves ; must have scared him off by accident.

I have started to pray for this guy I used to date, Billy. It's not that I still like him but I really care for him...and I think it's because of those two months we had. I mean, this guy would never take a bullet for me, would never care if I was crying (or he wouldn't know what to do and avoid me) and he is definitely going to forget me. Thing is, I would take a bullet for him because I care and his lifestyle has really been scaring me. We're not girlfriend/boyfriend anymore (thank God! We didn't really match) but he still means a lot to me and I don't want to see him hurt.

One of my other friends, Hai, has recently been going through what I was going through my freshman year, the "want/need" for a relationship. I tried to warn him that maybe he should just wait, a relationship will come when it is ready! You can't rush those things! And plus, they never last, what's the point? But he didn't really want to listen, kept on talking about how done he was with being alone. I wanted to tell him that one day he's going to be married and he's going to look back at his single years wishing he could've done more things! Being single isn't a burden, it's a gift. You are given the opportunity by such an awesome God to learn more about yourself and serve others. He just doesn't get it which is okay, everyone has to learn certain things on their own. His way of learning will just end in painful heartbreak sadly :(

Well, that's all I really feel like writing about this morning...might go to the pool since I haven't gone since summer started lol!

Love,

Ana

Sometimes I wish you were DEAD.

I can't stand you. No really, I can't.

I've right about had it with you and your crap. All I can take, I'm done with you. FINISHED.

When I leave for college, you will miss me and you know what, I think I will miss you too but NOT your crappy attitude and your unkindness.

You always follow people when you could be such a great leader! I don't understand why you have to do everything everyone else does? You're different, be happy for it!

You always annoy people and then blame that person for you getting hurt! If someone says stop, dammit STOP. If someone says go away, leave them alone. If I say I hate you, give me a hug and then leave.

You are soo much like dad. Yeah, I said it. YOU ARE LIKE DAD. You both try to manipulate people's feelings and then try to blame them when you don't get your way.

"It's your fault my finger was bleeding. It's your fault you kicked me in the nuts." NO IT'S NOT! I TOLD you specifically to GET AWAY. And you know what you did, you just got closer. You're such a spoiled brat. And you're SO damn selfish! You treat mom, who has worked hard and relentlessly for everyone in this house, like a piece of crap! You talk back to her and hurt her. You suck at school when you're so damn smart and you love people that are gonna leave you more than you love your damn family! You're "Friends" don't give two CRAPS about you like me and mom do! And you stupid girlfriend isn't gonna be your wife so she doesn't mean crap to me. You don't know what love is, you're too young and too naive to know that. You think you know where you're going, that you're the leader. Got news for you honey, everyone else in this house knows MORE than you do. We're older. I know more than you because I'm older, I've had more life experience than you. Now mommy and Marlon will know more than both of us put together because they've been here longer! Stop being such a baby and GROW UP.

And STOP freaking hitting me! I'm not your friend, I'm not your enemy, I am your fucking sister and I deserve some damn respect from the person I have to live with!!!!! I am soo sick of you thinking you're some macho man because you know what you are, a COWARD. A coward who hits women because he doesn't know how to take out his anger!!! And there are soo many times where I've just wanted to beat you up but you know what...you're not worth it. You're just a mean, selfish, spoiled butt head called my brother. And this "Thing" you've become is not my brother and until my BROTHER comes back, you are forever going to be an "IT" to me. My brother didn't hit me. My brother didn't call me a bitch. My brother gave me hugs. My brother was nice. My brother was funny. My brother was not disgustingly inappropriate and he did NOT make nasty jokes that are NOT funny. My brother was my friend and you have become my enemy. I don't like this mean Benjamin. Tell me when the real one comes back.

Can't I Be A Kid For Just A Little Longer?

So far, this summer has been a total repeat of last year...with the exception of a painful break up. But there has been romance "issues". The whole "Willie" phase of my life is totally over. I don't know what I was thinking mainly because when it comes to romance, I'm a complete fool. My mind dissconnects from my heart and common sense is lost. Sometimes I don't mind it, atleast I'm with someone that I truly and whole heartedly like. Other times, I wish I wasn't so stupid about it and always let my heart choose because I know I miss out on some great people simply because my heart isn't attracted to them. For example, David Percent. My best friend. Probably the most amazing guy I have ever met. Perfect. SO why am I not dating the most "perfect" person for me? Not because I'm scared of ruining our friendship although that is a little concerning, but because I'm not attracted to him in the least bit physically. My heart is simply not "into" pursuing probably what would be the best relationship of my life, maybe even my last. Yep, that's how serious I am about it. My mind knows that me and him are like peanut butter and jelly, we just work. But my heart isn't dumb, we don't "work" in a romantic way, more of a friendly way. He's my best friend, and I'm thankful for that. But sometimes, I feel like he still likes me, like he never got over me from last summer. I hope he has, I just don't think we will ever date. There's really no chance of it unless my eyes become deceived and I some how fall "in love" with him. I don't know, I personally don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I still need to figure myself out and grow in my relationship with God more. And while my body yearns to kiss and love and all that other PDA, I just don't think I'm ready for it. I want this summer to be different, to figure out what God wants me to do with his life and I want to learn and grow and be the girl God wanted me to be. All in all, I'm looking for a change ONLY God can make. I'm ready to finally give him all the pieces and ask him to make a masterpiece. I know I only have maybe two good pieces and the others are either cracked, scratched, or broken, but I'm asking him to replace and renew everything in my life. Especially, me. So God, if you can read this, change me please. How I yearn to live for you, to find out what you want me to do. Please, please just direct me, say you're here, that you'll change me. :) I am learning to love you, learning more about you. Please, help me do just that God.

Love, (in the name of Jesus Christ)
Ana (Amen)

Palestine

I watched you take your way out
Behind me, you're leaving.
I thought I'd cry my heart out
Beside me, but I didn't.

And I'm not gonna miss your silly smile
I'm not gonna miss your "Hey, Hello."
And when my world starts going under, I'm not gonna wonder "Where'd you go?"
And all the battles we fought
And all the mountains we climbed
I know you'll forget, let me slip out of your mind...and into Palestine.

So I took your picture
stuck frozen in a smile.
And all your worries are hidden
so happy, for a little while.

The diploma was your ticket
and the roads, your map.
When you leave, take my spirit.
So far apart we'll never be.

But I can't miss your silly smile.
I won't miss your "Hey Hello."
And when my world starts going under
I'll be thinking "Do you know?"
And all the battles we could have fought
And all the mountains we've yet to climb
I know you'll forget and let me slip out of your mind and into Palestine.



By,
Analiz :)

I am so different.

I was looking through some old pictures I took both last year and this year and I realized how different I am both in and out. My thoughts, my desires, even my thinking was so different and it was only two or three months ago. Life is going by so fast. I am already in my junior year of high school and I remember when I first stepped foot in those ugly, purple doors thinking, "Damn. Four years of my life in this dump." Lately, all I can think is, "Holy crap! After this year, that's it...I'm almost done. What the heck happened??" I know that by the end of this summer, again I will be different. I only hope to find myself, to figure things out before I head back to that old prison for another year of hell. I think it would be nice to wake up one day and feel assured that I know where I'm going and what I'm doing with my life. I just hate it that by 16, I have to have my entire life planned out. Sometimes, I feel like I have to remind everyone I'm still a teenager, I don't know what the heck to do with my life, where to go, who I want to be. I don't even know who I am yet. But there are so many times that I find myself saying, "Just two more years and then they can't tell me where to go and what I can or can't do." I want the freedom and not its responsibilities. I know, such a typical teen wish. I guess looking through those old photos got me thinking that I know alot and yet I know absolutely nothing. I want love, to love, but have no idea what "love" really is. I know it's not only a feeling. I know that love means you accept someone and their mistakes and slight imperfections. That it's sticking it through the tough times when all you want to do is bail. That it's helping each other, trusting each other, learning as much as you can about one another. This I all know through watching my parents. I know you should let the other person talk even when you want them to shut up, that you shouldn't yell at each other, that you should respect the other person's wishes. But does love have boundaries? Does love last even when you're angry at that person? And then there's life. All the experience you gain either through pain or mistakes. I know I don't know it all, I've never claimed to. I just sometimes "feel" like I can understand certain things better than say my mom who will never understand certain things just because her mind is already; she believes she is always right and it's her way or the high way.

I've really been thinking about me though (selfish I know). All the qualities both positive and negative. I am unhappy with myself. I think it's my imperfection that makes my mistakes feel like mini failures, my failed relationship attempts with God and his son. If I were to die, I know for a fact I would be unhappy with how I spent my time on Earth. I never got to tell people that I love them (especially the ones that are leaving), I never got to kiss that guy I've been dying to kiss for months now, I never got to travel the world, bungee jump off a bridge, skydive, fall in love...figure out who I am. I never got to go on a walk at one in the morning by myself or go to a park by myself and just read. I never got to fix my relationship with God, tell people about the molestation that happened when I was younger, talk about my slight hair pulling disorder, or even admit that I've tried masturbating (and it felt damn good). I never got to let people see who I am, the REAL me. The one with all the wounds and all the hurt. I'm always putting up this front of a happy "child-like" girl mainly because my childhood was taken away from me, I had to grow up so fast and learn to hide so many things deep within me. I never got to confront my dad about what he did to me when I was little and I never got to tell him that I don't hate him anymore, I just hope he doesn't do it to any more children. I never got to tell people the only reason I like to make people smile and do silly things is because no one ever should be sad. I never got to tell people that I think I'm a horrible person, that I heard my parents (step dad) say I'm lazy and selfish, controlling. I never got to tell people that those words still hurt every time I think about them. Is that really who I am? Who I've become?? A monster? I never got to tell people that I want to love someone when I don't really like myself. I never got to tell people that I hate fighting with my brother and calling him names, that I hate it when we hit each other and when he curses and does stupid crap that makes mom beat the stuffing out of him. I never got to tell people that even though I have noo idea what I wanna do with my life, it must help people and make people happy again. I never got to tell God that I'm sorry I'm so horrible, that I only come to him when my problems are sky high and there's no way out, that I know I should spend more time with him but I don't...that I love him but always wonder how the hell could someone so perfect even look at me. I never got to tell god that masturbating is wrong and I know I shouldn't do it but other thoughts get in the way. I never got to tell God that I wish everyday I could go back to the time where he was healing me and I literally FELT his love just pouring on my soul, that I'm so sorry I lost him. Lost him probably forever. I never got to tell Billy that I'm sorry I was so shy around him, he was the first guy I had been with and actually liked and I guess that intimidated me. I never got to tell David that if things were different and I was different, I would date him, he would probably be my husband later on. I never got to tell Willie that while I do like him I really just want that kiss, no strings attached, we don't have to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I just want that kiss! I never got to tell Ariel that while I think sometimes she can be a crappy friend, she really knows how to listen and help out, and she's really pretty and shouldn't think otherwise. I never got to tell Natalie that while I love her to death we are drifting apart and though I will always love her to death, I don't think we will be close friends next year. I never got to tell Nick I don't like him because he's a fake and he needs to be real, I can see right through him. I never got to tell Hai he's a wonderful person/friend and I wish him luck with life. I never got to tell mom that while I may say the meanest things about her in my head and in my journals, she is truly a wonderful, loving mother and if I were to be reborn I would choose her again, I am lucky to have a mom like her. I never got to tell my brother yes, he's annoying as heck but I love him so much, I couldn't live without him there no matter what I say. I never got to tell my step dad thanks for trying to be my "dad", the truth is after what happened to me, I have never wanted a father and have really resented having a new one, but he is pretty cool, a little inappropriate sometimes, kinda perverted, and I hate it when you jokingly spank my butt, I'm still uncomfortable with the father/daughter relationship. I never got to tell myself I'm not too bad, I can't be. Because even though the people I love have hurt me and beaten me down so badly in the ground sometimes, they have never stopped loving me. I can't be too bad, I can't be the monster I sometimes feel that I am. I wish to apologize for all the times I was mean, cursed, hurt people, made fun of people, and was just a horrible and cruel person. I want to be different people, I want to change. But there are things that have happened to me that have emptied my soul. That have broken me so far beyond repair that sometimes I wonder if God will ever make me a whole person again. I never mean to hurt people or disobey. I'm sorry I'm lazy and self-centered and controlling and needy and emotional and occasionally make stupid mistakes or have blond moments. I am! I wish I could be different, I have always wanted change. I just have noo idea how to get to where I want to be and I'm too scared to go down the path of memory lane. Toconfront things I have buried deep in my soul just to move on...I am just a little girl who has noo idea what the hell to do or where to go. I'm trying so hard people...

Calmed Down.

Sorry for my little outburst there, I'm having guy issues. And I really don't like being the "man", making all the moves, texting first, giving in first. God, I hate it. It's like I'm making myself look needy when really I was living just fine without him and I never needed him in my life and still don't. I hate playing games too but he needs a taste of his own medicine. Especially the whole not texting me back game. I know it's just a text and nothing we even say to each other is really important but that's not the point. I know that he only does it to annoy me, to play around with my emotions. I know it! It's like he's waiting to see if I'll give in and you know what, I'm not doing that anymore. This is my show, there's no way that I'm going to be some boys play thing.

Alright, now that that's out of my mind, today was actually really fun. I hung out with my best friend David and my brother. About David, I don't think I've mentioned him before...he means so much to me. Our friendship is priceless. Noo, I'm not in love with him but there was a time where I wish I had been. He's just one of those really nice, sweet guys. Respectful, silly, childish when needed to be and knows exactly how to cheer someone up. But for all the potential we would have together, I just can't date someone without being attracted to them at least a little bit. I'd feel like I'm cheating them and myself; I wish my heart wasn't so stupid. He's perfect and he's right there but my heart keeps saying no. My mind knows it would work out perfectly but my heart isn't ready I guess...I don't know. Life is a tad confusing sometimes.

Summer has been a bore too. It doesn't even feel like summer to me. The seniors graduated last Friday. I thought I would cry since most of them are my friends, but I didn't. I don't really care anymore. I'm never going to see most of them again anyways, so it's sad but I'm just like whatever about it. Life goes on and so must I. Can't keep trying to hold onto something you never actually had anyways. Well, gotta do some homework so catch you guys another time. :)

SCREW YOU!!!!!!

I am NOT supposed to be the man in the relationship. So why don't you grow some fucking balls and make a decision: Ask me out OR stop toying with my emotions. It's such a simple task, I'd advise you to do it before the bitch in me comes out and shows her face.

I HATE this House.

I remember when the emptiness of this home used to be so reassuring. The smell of something new clung to my hopes and dreams and I was sure that this would be the place where I could find comfort and solace. But a year has gone and passed and I can't stand this house and it's vastness. I can't stand the expensive furniture and the exotic paintings or the soft, beige carpets and the bright kitchen. I hate hearing the "click" of the locks as my key opens my personal hell hole and I really, really can't stand walking up the stairs into the white walls of my boring bedroom. I guess you could say I have MAJOR cabin fever and I've only been in here for two days. The thing is, If it was up to me I would never be home. I would be outside walking around the neighborhood or at the pool laughing with my friends, or maybe at the bookstore curling up in one of those big, velvet red couches they have. I would never ever be at home where the comfort of four walls can only excite someone for so long.I blame my mom. She won't let me go out or walk or ride my bike. I know she does it out of love but gosh darn it, a girl just wants to be FREE sometimes. I hate being the little bird stuck in a cage watching as everyone else around me goes out about their business. I am so pissed off but I'm sure it's not only this that's bothering me...it's this stupid math class I'm helping my mom with. She makes things so damn difficult! She's just been pushing my buttons and making my crazy; anymore of this and I might really explode! Then there's Willy. I really do like him and I want him to know but he's a senior and he's leaving me...I know he's going to forget everything too, it's what seniors do best. They get their diploma at graduation, say their goodbyes and farewells, make broken promises of visits, and they never come back. Life goes on and it's only when you realize they didn't come visit that you know they're really gone. I've been so sad about this because most of my "friends" were seniors this year and now they're going to be nothing more than just a face in the crowd. I really care, I wish they knew how much I really do care. Ugh...my life is this big jumble. I've gotten into some interesting things (No not drugs). School sucked. Summer's starting to suck. The people I love dearly are leaving. My mother is annoying the crap outta me. I don't know what I want. AND I REALLY really DON'T want to be in this stupid house of mine!!!!!!
I know...I'm blowing up. Sorry everyone. For blowing up and for not writing for two months....life has been crazy.


-Ana