I was looking through some old pictures I took both last year and this year and I realized how different I am both in and out. My thoughts, my desires, even my thinking was so different and it was only two or three months ago. Life is going by so fast. I am already in my junior year of high school and I remember when I first stepped foot in those ugly, purple doors thinking, "Damn. Four years of my life in this dump." Lately, all I can think is, "Holy crap! After this year, that's it...I'm almost done. What the heck happened??" I know that by the end of this summer, again I will be different. I only hope to find myself, to figure things out before I head back to that old prison for another year of hell. I think it would be nice to wake up one day and feel assured that I know where I'm going and what I'm doing with my life. I just hate it that by 16, I have to have my entire life planned out. Sometimes, I feel like I have to remind everyone I'm still a teenager, I don't know what the heck to do with my life, where to go, who I want to be. I don't even know who I am yet. But there are so many times that I find myself saying, "Just two more years and then they can't tell me where to go and what I can or can't do." I want the freedom and not its responsibilities. I know, such a typical teen wish. I guess looking through those old photos got me thinking that I know alot and yet I know absolutely nothing. I want love, to love, but have no idea what "love" really is. I know it's not only a feeling. I know that love means you accept someone and their mistakes and slight imperfections. That it's sticking it through the tough times when all you want to do is bail. That it's helping each other, trusting each other, learning as much as you can about one another. This I all know through watching my parents. I know you should let the other person talk even when you want them to shut up, that you shouldn't yell at each other, that you should respect the other person's wishes. But does love have boundaries? Does love last even when you're angry at that person? And then there's life. All the experience you gain either through pain or mistakes. I know I don't know it all, I've never claimed to. I just sometimes "feel" like I can understand certain things better than say my mom who will never understand certain things just because her mind is already; she believes she is always right and it's her way or the high way.
I've really been thinking about me though (selfish I know). All the qualities both positive and negative. I am unhappy with myself. I think it's my imperfection that makes my mistakes feel like mini failures, my failed relationship attempts with God and his son. If I were to die, I know for a fact I would be unhappy with how I spent my time on Earth. I never got to tell people that I love them (especially the ones that are leaving), I never got to kiss that guy I've been dying to kiss for months now, I never got to travel the world, bungee jump off a bridge, skydive, fall in love...figure out who I am. I never got to go on a walk at one in the morning by myself or go to a park by myself and just read. I never got to fix my relationship with God, tell people about the molestation that happened when I was younger, talk about my slight hair pulling disorder, or even admit that I've tried masturbating (and it felt damn good). I never got to let people see who I am, the REAL me. The one with all the wounds and all the hurt. I'm always putting up this front of a happy "child-like" girl mainly because my childhood was taken away from me, I had to grow up so fast and learn to hide so many things deep within me. I never got to confront my dad about what he did to me when I was little and I never got to tell him that I don't hate him anymore, I just hope he doesn't do it to any more children. I never got to tell people the only reason I like to make people smile and do silly things is because no one ever should be sad. I never got to tell people that I think I'm a horrible person, that I heard my parents (step dad) say I'm lazy and selfish, controlling. I never got to tell people that those words still hurt every time I think about them. Is that really who I am? Who I've become?? A monster? I never got to tell people that I want to love someone when I don't really like myself. I never got to tell people that I hate fighting with my brother and calling him names, that I hate it when we hit each other and when he curses and does stupid crap that makes mom beat the stuffing out of him. I never got to tell people that even though I have noo idea what I wanna do with my life, it must help people and make people happy again. I never got to tell God that I'm sorry I'm so horrible, that I only come to him when my problems are sky high and there's no way out, that I know I should spend more time with him but I don't...that I love him but always wonder how the hell could someone so perfect even look at me. I never got to tell god that masturbating is wrong and I know I shouldn't do it but other thoughts get in the way. I never got to tell God that I wish everyday I could go back to the time where he was healing me and I literally FELT his love just pouring on my soul, that I'm so sorry I lost him. Lost him probably forever. I never got to tell Billy that I'm sorry I was so shy around him, he was the first guy I had been with and actually liked and I guess that intimidated me. I never got to tell David that if things were different and I was different, I would date him, he would probably be my husband later on. I never got to tell Willie that while I do like him I really just want that kiss, no strings attached, we don't have to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I just want that kiss! I never got to tell Ariel that while I think sometimes she can be a crappy friend, she really knows how to listen and help out, and she's really pretty and shouldn't think otherwise. I never got to tell Natalie that while I love her to death we are drifting apart and though I will always love her to death, I don't think we will be close friends next year. I never got to tell Nick I don't like him because he's a fake and he needs to be real, I can see right through him. I never got to tell Hai he's a wonderful person/friend and I wish him luck with life. I never got to tell mom that while I may say the meanest things about her in my head and in my journals, she is truly a wonderful, loving mother and if I were to be reborn I would choose her again, I am lucky to have a mom like her. I never got to tell my brother yes, he's annoying as heck but I love him so much, I couldn't live without him there no matter what I say. I never got to tell my step dad thanks for trying to be my "dad", the truth is after what happened to me, I have never wanted a father and have really resented having a new one, but he is pretty cool, a little inappropriate sometimes, kinda perverted, and I hate it when you jokingly spank my butt, I'm still uncomfortable with the father/daughter relationship. I never got to tell myself I'm not too bad, I can't be. Because even though the people I love have hurt me and beaten me down so badly in the ground sometimes, they have never stopped loving me. I can't be too bad, I can't be the monster I sometimes feel that I am. I wish to apologize for all the times I was mean, cursed, hurt people, made fun of people, and was just a horrible and cruel person. I want to be different people, I want to change. But there are things that have happened to me that have emptied my soul. That have broken me so far beyond repair that sometimes I wonder if God will ever make me a whole person again. I never mean to hurt people or disobey. I'm sorry I'm lazy and self-centered and controlling and needy and emotional and occasionally make stupid mistakes or have blond moments. I am! I wish I could be different, I have always wanted change. I just have noo idea how to get to where I want to be and I'm too scared to go down the path of memory lane. Toconfront things I have buried deep in my soul just to move on...I am just a little girl who has noo idea what the hell to do or where to go. I'm trying so hard people...
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