things are

better.

I'll be fine.

I Remember When You Hurt Me...

You know when you have a secret and you really just want someone to know? That's how I feel. I am this big balloon filled with secrets and at any moment I might just pop. The only person who knows what happened to me is my mom and she intends on keeping it to herself! But I am so sick of hiding what happened to me. I want people to know, I just want to let it out.

MY DAD MOLESTED ME!

I PULL OUT MY HAIR BECAUSE OF STRESS!

I MASTURBATED!



I just want people to know, I want people to stop looking at me and think I'm okay because I'm not! I need help, but I'm too afraid to ask anyone. There's no one to talk to. My brother is too young and immature to understand, I don't really trust my step dad because anything involving the word "dad" still bothers me, and my mom treats me like a freak every time something bad happens or I do something wrong.



I am so alone. My heart hurts so badly, it's like all the glass pieces I tried to put back together are falling apart and I can't do anything about it. I wish I had a friend, someone to trust. And I talk to God but he is taking so long to answer...I don't know how much longer I can live like this...

I do NOT Believe Your lies Satan!!

I am not giving up; you may be stronger than me but you are NOT stronger than Jesus Christ who defeated you. You're worthless and I pity you because one day you will get yours and you KNOW who Christ is yet you choose your own paths. You know you are doomed forever and you still walk on. I am no longer in your control; I belong to Jesus just like he said. I am his kid and one day, I hope he makes you pay for everything you have done to me. I hope he makes you pay for everything you have done to all his children! You have tempted us and destroyed us. You've beaten us down with your lies and have led some of us to hate ourselves, kill ourselves, and hurt ourselves. But NO MORE! I'm done with you and your crap.

"He doesn't love you. Look at yourself, you're ugly. DISGUSTING."

I used to believe you about this but no more. God says, " love those who love me, and those who seek me find me. - Proverbs 8:17"

"You never changed. LOOK! You are just the same as you were yesterday."

But God says, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. - Galatians 2:20" When I accepted Jesus as my savior, he changed me. And yes, you may have ruined it for me, but there is nothing that God can't fix and nothing that God won't help me through.

"You made a mistake that God will never forgive you for. You're unforgivable, worthless."

God says, "If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to His own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action].1 John 1: 9"

I admit, I masturbated. I still pull out my hair sometimes. But God loves me and I will not be conquered by some evil monster who wants me to never find God. One day, I will be so strong in my faith, nothing you say or put in my mind and heart will hurt me. I do not have to deal with your crap anymore. God loves me, he died for me and he's gonna get you.

Dear God,

Please forgive me! Help me repent change my heart! Masturbation is wrong and disgusting and I hate that I do it to myself!! It's nasty and It sickens me and you. Please, whenever I have something that triggers my lust, help me come to you. Fight it for me! Because I tried to fight it by myself and look what happened, I did it anyways. I am not strong without you. You said that with you anything is possible. If so God, please, help me stop! This is destroying my relationship with you and my walk. I am doing it for my own selfish needs. I want to work for you and others! Please, don't let me stray again. I'm so sorry that I do this, I want to stop. You are more important to me than anything. I will get baptised and I will follow you because without you, I will surely die. Without you, I am nothing.

I'm guilty of...

trichotillmania and masturbating.

One has become such a horrible habit. It is so hard to get rid of it.
The other has become the easiest way to gain pleasure and guilt.
I have asked or rather BEGGED God to help me stop both, but it seems like he really wants me to tell my mom...which scares me. My mom, although I love her, is very old fashioned. I remember just last year when she discovered I had been pulling again, she was so sad. It's like she blames herself for the crap that I go through. She blames herself for dad molesting me too. I know it. And she gets very mad...to be honest, I'm just scared of how she will handle it. I don't want her to tell my step dad either because what an AWKWARD conversation that would be to have with him. I know that one day or another, I will have to do it God's way or else I'll never heal...I just wish he would make it easier on me ya know?

I always ask myself how the heck did this happen? How did I go from being a "normal" girl to a girl that pulls out her hair and toys with herself? I realized that I only did those things to try and fill the emptiness in my heart. But only God can fill that and I have found him recently. I also want to talk to my dad about what he did, but I'm afraid he'll deny every word I say...but I have to confront him about it! After all, the molestation has affected my whole life up til recently!! What he did has caused many problems in my life! And I want to tell him I forgive him and still love him even after all he did to me...I just don't ever want to be in a room with him alone without my mommy or my step dad again. I don't want my brother, who I hope was unaffected by my father, to be alone with him. It is the only consequence he will have to deal with. Otherwise, no cops, no lawsuit, no divorce from any of his children. We still love him, I still love him. God has made the memories of my past vague so as not to hurt me because every time I try to remember what happened, a little voice in my head says don't and it's like something is blocking me from seeing it.

God,
I long to do what is right. I just want to please you and make you happy. I want to be sooo sooo in love with you. I don't ever want to let you go. And I know telling mom would be the right thing to do but I am afraid. Please, i can't tell her now...she's been really mad lately and for no reason. Please, when the time is right, help me tell her. And help us find a church, we need a family again. I want a family again...Forgive me for being mean to Ben and for disobeying my parents. Forgive me if I cursed as well. Please help me as I battle with lust and the temptation to masturbate. Who knew girls could suffer with such a thing right? Please help me resist my temptation..I know that I failed yesterday, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it but I couldn't stop thinking about it and I realized I can't watch certain shows because they make me want to do that. I'm sorry I got into a lot of stuff instead of getting into you. I'm sorry I've been away for so long...I know I had been talking to you about not wanting a father because of what dad did to me, but if I'm going to forgive dad, then I can start by allowing you to be my dad. I know you won't hurt me or lie to me or touch me wrongly and abuse me....I am finally ready for you. My whole heart searches for you, not just the bits and pieces. Now I know why I found you in 7th grade and not any other time. I love you God...Thank you for sending Jesus for me. Thank you for waking me up with sunshine in the morning. For the flowers and their colors. For the home I live in, the music I am able to hear. For the friends I have and the few close ones I have. For the love I am surrounded by. For parents who love me no matter what. For parents who work for me and my brother to provide us with the best they can. And thank you for being so awesome and merciful. I don't deserve you, not even to kiss your feet like Mary did. I don't deserve to see you or hear you talk to me every time after bible study. I don't deserve to have anything I have and yet you love me and say I am clean. You forget my sins as quickly as I did them...I am in great debt to you and long for you to show me the way. Let me work for you, breathe and live through me please. Help me lead my friends to you and let them see the light shine through me. Heal me and make me whole because only you can make me feel again. Stay with me forever.

<3
Ana

God...

Why is everyone leaving me?

I love them all so much, and you're letting them go without me!

I'm afraid...next year will be so different. I will probably never see anyone I care about ever again and it scares me! I hate losing people. I usually go into things thinking it'll last a lifetime; I shouldn't have done that with these guys. But God, even though they don't care for me, I love them so much. I really really do. If anything happened, I'd be there. God, please forbid anything to happen to them! I don't want to lose them...but they're leaving and I've lost them already. In fact, I never had them. But oh, how I've wanted them all. You see, only you and I know how much I care about them. They don't know about it...and I don't think they'd care to know about it. I am so afraid God. I am going into a new school year with hardly any friends, a certainty that it will be so hard I will want you to take me away, and classes that are going to be a challenge. I should have prayed about this earlier but I didn't know Audra had moved away...everyone is leaving and in the worst way possible. Without a goodbye! If they at least said goodbye, it wouldn't hurt as much as finding out they were gone forever. I can't let go so I need you to do it for me...please! How can I go on and take out what you have planned for me if I am stuck in the past and wish for so many things I cannot change? Change me, fill me, breathe me. I need to live for you, to make you happy. I love you...I love you oh so much. And I can't do this alone! I feel like I'm about to cry. These people were all I had when I moved here and now life is going on and it's going on without me. They have all grown away from me but I have loved them even so. God, please, I just want to long and yearn for you. NOT for the mere friendship from people who don't care for me! Please god, let me see that they don't care and that you have wonderful things for me in store! Please, Lord, Jesus, help me let go and move on. How I beg you to quiet down the nerves that stir every fiber in my being at this moment. I am tired of wrestling the same thing, please wrestle it for me. It has made me weak and hurt me so many times. Take it. My friendships, my exes, my love life, my hurt...take it all. I don't want it anymore. I just want to serve you and shine in your light...yes. That is all I want.

In the name of Jesus Christ, the lord,

Amen.

Things.

They're okay now.

Just had a moment :)

I love my family. They mean the world to me. Even when they make me upset or annoy me. God gave them to me for a reason, they're the best!

I haven't talked to Willie in like a week and a couple of days now. It's not that I don't like him, it's just well he was making me do all the chasing! I felt like a man!! Plus, he did this thing where he wouldn't text me back until like five hours had passed and it just made me soo mad because he would text me first and I'd reply without getting an answer for like 3 hours! Plus, it's not like I really liked him anyways. He was very cute, had the prettiest eyes and the best sense of humor but there were times where I would just look at him and ...ew. It's all just physical attraction anyways. He's missing out; I was actually going to show him who I really am but thank God he showed me he's not worth it or ready. If he really liked me like he said he did he would make the moves, call me and not take one hundred years to answer when I reply, and he would've asked me out already. Soooo, I'm guessing the guy just got scared off haha! Totally understandable since I was practically making all the moves ; must have scared him off by accident.

I have started to pray for this guy I used to date, Billy. It's not that I still like him but I really care for him...and I think it's because of those two months we had. I mean, this guy would never take a bullet for me, would never care if I was crying (or he wouldn't know what to do and avoid me) and he is definitely going to forget me. Thing is, I would take a bullet for him because I care and his lifestyle has really been scaring me. We're not girlfriend/boyfriend anymore (thank God! We didn't really match) but he still means a lot to me and I don't want to see him hurt.

One of my other friends, Hai, has recently been going through what I was going through my freshman year, the "want/need" for a relationship. I tried to warn him that maybe he should just wait, a relationship will come when it is ready! You can't rush those things! And plus, they never last, what's the point? But he didn't really want to listen, kept on talking about how done he was with being alone. I wanted to tell him that one day he's going to be married and he's going to look back at his single years wishing he could've done more things! Being single isn't a burden, it's a gift. You are given the opportunity by such an awesome God to learn more about yourself and serve others. He just doesn't get it which is okay, everyone has to learn certain things on their own. His way of learning will just end in painful heartbreak sadly :(

Well, that's all I really feel like writing about this morning...might go to the pool since I haven't gone since summer started lol!

Love,

Ana

Sometimes I wish you were DEAD.

I can't stand you. No really, I can't.

I've right about had it with you and your crap. All I can take, I'm done with you. FINISHED.

When I leave for college, you will miss me and you know what, I think I will miss you too but NOT your crappy attitude and your unkindness.

You always follow people when you could be such a great leader! I don't understand why you have to do everything everyone else does? You're different, be happy for it!

You always annoy people and then blame that person for you getting hurt! If someone says stop, dammit STOP. If someone says go away, leave them alone. If I say I hate you, give me a hug and then leave.

You are soo much like dad. Yeah, I said it. YOU ARE LIKE DAD. You both try to manipulate people's feelings and then try to blame them when you don't get your way.

"It's your fault my finger was bleeding. It's your fault you kicked me in the nuts." NO IT'S NOT! I TOLD you specifically to GET AWAY. And you know what you did, you just got closer. You're such a spoiled brat. And you're SO damn selfish! You treat mom, who has worked hard and relentlessly for everyone in this house, like a piece of crap! You talk back to her and hurt her. You suck at school when you're so damn smart and you love people that are gonna leave you more than you love your damn family! You're "Friends" don't give two CRAPS about you like me and mom do! And you stupid girlfriend isn't gonna be your wife so she doesn't mean crap to me. You don't know what love is, you're too young and too naive to know that. You think you know where you're going, that you're the leader. Got news for you honey, everyone else in this house knows MORE than you do. We're older. I know more than you because I'm older, I've had more life experience than you. Now mommy and Marlon will know more than both of us put together because they've been here longer! Stop being such a baby and GROW UP.

And STOP freaking hitting me! I'm not your friend, I'm not your enemy, I am your fucking sister and I deserve some damn respect from the person I have to live with!!!!! I am soo sick of you thinking you're some macho man because you know what you are, a COWARD. A coward who hits women because he doesn't know how to take out his anger!!! And there are soo many times where I've just wanted to beat you up but you know what...you're not worth it. You're just a mean, selfish, spoiled butt head called my brother. And this "Thing" you've become is not my brother and until my BROTHER comes back, you are forever going to be an "IT" to me. My brother didn't hit me. My brother didn't call me a bitch. My brother gave me hugs. My brother was nice. My brother was funny. My brother was not disgustingly inappropriate and he did NOT make nasty jokes that are NOT funny. My brother was my friend and you have become my enemy. I don't like this mean Benjamin. Tell me when the real one comes back.

Can't I Be A Kid For Just A Little Longer?

So far, this summer has been a total repeat of last year...with the exception of a painful break up. But there has been romance "issues". The whole "Willie" phase of my life is totally over. I don't know what I was thinking mainly because when it comes to romance, I'm a complete fool. My mind dissconnects from my heart and common sense is lost. Sometimes I don't mind it, atleast I'm with someone that I truly and whole heartedly like. Other times, I wish I wasn't so stupid about it and always let my heart choose because I know I miss out on some great people simply because my heart isn't attracted to them. For example, David Percent. My best friend. Probably the most amazing guy I have ever met. Perfect. SO why am I not dating the most "perfect" person for me? Not because I'm scared of ruining our friendship although that is a little concerning, but because I'm not attracted to him in the least bit physically. My heart is simply not "into" pursuing probably what would be the best relationship of my life, maybe even my last. Yep, that's how serious I am about it. My mind knows that me and him are like peanut butter and jelly, we just work. But my heart isn't dumb, we don't "work" in a romantic way, more of a friendly way. He's my best friend, and I'm thankful for that. But sometimes, I feel like he still likes me, like he never got over me from last summer. I hope he has, I just don't think we will ever date. There's really no chance of it unless my eyes become deceived and I some how fall "in love" with him. I don't know, I personally don't think I'm ready for a relationship. I still need to figure myself out and grow in my relationship with God more. And while my body yearns to kiss and love and all that other PDA, I just don't think I'm ready for it. I want this summer to be different, to figure out what God wants me to do with his life and I want to learn and grow and be the girl God wanted me to be. All in all, I'm looking for a change ONLY God can make. I'm ready to finally give him all the pieces and ask him to make a masterpiece. I know I only have maybe two good pieces and the others are either cracked, scratched, or broken, but I'm asking him to replace and renew everything in my life. Especially, me. So God, if you can read this, change me please. How I yearn to live for you, to find out what you want me to do. Please, please just direct me, say you're here, that you'll change me. :) I am learning to love you, learning more about you. Please, help me do just that God.

Love, (in the name of Jesus Christ)
Ana (Amen)

Palestine

I watched you take your way out
Behind me, you're leaving.
I thought I'd cry my heart out
Beside me, but I didn't.

And I'm not gonna miss your silly smile
I'm not gonna miss your "Hey, Hello."
And when my world starts going under, I'm not gonna wonder "Where'd you go?"
And all the battles we fought
And all the mountains we climbed
I know you'll forget, let me slip out of your mind...and into Palestine.

So I took your picture
stuck frozen in a smile.
And all your worries are hidden
so happy, for a little while.

The diploma was your ticket
and the roads, your map.
When you leave, take my spirit.
So far apart we'll never be.

But I can't miss your silly smile.
I won't miss your "Hey Hello."
And when my world starts going under
I'll be thinking "Do you know?"
And all the battles we could have fought
And all the mountains we've yet to climb
I know you'll forget and let me slip out of your mind and into Palestine.



By,
Analiz :)

I am so different.

I was looking through some old pictures I took both last year and this year and I realized how different I am both in and out. My thoughts, my desires, even my thinking was so different and it was only two or three months ago. Life is going by so fast. I am already in my junior year of high school and I remember when I first stepped foot in those ugly, purple doors thinking, "Damn. Four years of my life in this dump." Lately, all I can think is, "Holy crap! After this year, that's it...I'm almost done. What the heck happened??" I know that by the end of this summer, again I will be different. I only hope to find myself, to figure things out before I head back to that old prison for another year of hell. I think it would be nice to wake up one day and feel assured that I know where I'm going and what I'm doing with my life. I just hate it that by 16, I have to have my entire life planned out. Sometimes, I feel like I have to remind everyone I'm still a teenager, I don't know what the heck to do with my life, where to go, who I want to be. I don't even know who I am yet. But there are so many times that I find myself saying, "Just two more years and then they can't tell me where to go and what I can or can't do." I want the freedom and not its responsibilities. I know, such a typical teen wish. I guess looking through those old photos got me thinking that I know alot and yet I know absolutely nothing. I want love, to love, but have no idea what "love" really is. I know it's not only a feeling. I know that love means you accept someone and their mistakes and slight imperfections. That it's sticking it through the tough times when all you want to do is bail. That it's helping each other, trusting each other, learning as much as you can about one another. This I all know through watching my parents. I know you should let the other person talk even when you want them to shut up, that you shouldn't yell at each other, that you should respect the other person's wishes. But does love have boundaries? Does love last even when you're angry at that person? And then there's life. All the experience you gain either through pain or mistakes. I know I don't know it all, I've never claimed to. I just sometimes "feel" like I can understand certain things better than say my mom who will never understand certain things just because her mind is already; she believes she is always right and it's her way or the high way.

I've really been thinking about me though (selfish I know). All the qualities both positive and negative. I am unhappy with myself. I think it's my imperfection that makes my mistakes feel like mini failures, my failed relationship attempts with God and his son. If I were to die, I know for a fact I would be unhappy with how I spent my time on Earth. I never got to tell people that I love them (especially the ones that are leaving), I never got to kiss that guy I've been dying to kiss for months now, I never got to travel the world, bungee jump off a bridge, skydive, fall in love...figure out who I am. I never got to go on a walk at one in the morning by myself or go to a park by myself and just read. I never got to fix my relationship with God, tell people about the molestation that happened when I was younger, talk about my slight hair pulling disorder, or even admit that I've tried masturbating (and it felt damn good). I never got to let people see who I am, the REAL me. The one with all the wounds and all the hurt. I'm always putting up this front of a happy "child-like" girl mainly because my childhood was taken away from me, I had to grow up so fast and learn to hide so many things deep within me. I never got to confront my dad about what he did to me when I was little and I never got to tell him that I don't hate him anymore, I just hope he doesn't do it to any more children. I never got to tell people the only reason I like to make people smile and do silly things is because no one ever should be sad. I never got to tell people that I think I'm a horrible person, that I heard my parents (step dad) say I'm lazy and selfish, controlling. I never got to tell people that those words still hurt every time I think about them. Is that really who I am? Who I've become?? A monster? I never got to tell people that I want to love someone when I don't really like myself. I never got to tell people that I hate fighting with my brother and calling him names, that I hate it when we hit each other and when he curses and does stupid crap that makes mom beat the stuffing out of him. I never got to tell people that even though I have noo idea what I wanna do with my life, it must help people and make people happy again. I never got to tell God that I'm sorry I'm so horrible, that I only come to him when my problems are sky high and there's no way out, that I know I should spend more time with him but I don't...that I love him but always wonder how the hell could someone so perfect even look at me. I never got to tell god that masturbating is wrong and I know I shouldn't do it but other thoughts get in the way. I never got to tell God that I wish everyday I could go back to the time where he was healing me and I literally FELT his love just pouring on my soul, that I'm so sorry I lost him. Lost him probably forever. I never got to tell Billy that I'm sorry I was so shy around him, he was the first guy I had been with and actually liked and I guess that intimidated me. I never got to tell David that if things were different and I was different, I would date him, he would probably be my husband later on. I never got to tell Willie that while I do like him I really just want that kiss, no strings attached, we don't have to be boyfriend/girlfriend. I just want that kiss! I never got to tell Ariel that while I think sometimes she can be a crappy friend, she really knows how to listen and help out, and she's really pretty and shouldn't think otherwise. I never got to tell Natalie that while I love her to death we are drifting apart and though I will always love her to death, I don't think we will be close friends next year. I never got to tell Nick I don't like him because he's a fake and he needs to be real, I can see right through him. I never got to tell Hai he's a wonderful person/friend and I wish him luck with life. I never got to tell mom that while I may say the meanest things about her in my head and in my journals, she is truly a wonderful, loving mother and if I were to be reborn I would choose her again, I am lucky to have a mom like her. I never got to tell my brother yes, he's annoying as heck but I love him so much, I couldn't live without him there no matter what I say. I never got to tell my step dad thanks for trying to be my "dad", the truth is after what happened to me, I have never wanted a father and have really resented having a new one, but he is pretty cool, a little inappropriate sometimes, kinda perverted, and I hate it when you jokingly spank my butt, I'm still uncomfortable with the father/daughter relationship. I never got to tell myself I'm not too bad, I can't be. Because even though the people I love have hurt me and beaten me down so badly in the ground sometimes, they have never stopped loving me. I can't be too bad, I can't be the monster I sometimes feel that I am. I wish to apologize for all the times I was mean, cursed, hurt people, made fun of people, and was just a horrible and cruel person. I want to be different people, I want to change. But there are things that have happened to me that have emptied my soul. That have broken me so far beyond repair that sometimes I wonder if God will ever make me a whole person again. I never mean to hurt people or disobey. I'm sorry I'm lazy and self-centered and controlling and needy and emotional and occasionally make stupid mistakes or have blond moments. I am! I wish I could be different, I have always wanted change. I just have noo idea how to get to where I want to be and I'm too scared to go down the path of memory lane. Toconfront things I have buried deep in my soul just to move on...I am just a little girl who has noo idea what the hell to do or where to go. I'm trying so hard people...

Calmed Down.

Sorry for my little outburst there, I'm having guy issues. And I really don't like being the "man", making all the moves, texting first, giving in first. God, I hate it. It's like I'm making myself look needy when really I was living just fine without him and I never needed him in my life and still don't. I hate playing games too but he needs a taste of his own medicine. Especially the whole not texting me back game. I know it's just a text and nothing we even say to each other is really important but that's not the point. I know that he only does it to annoy me, to play around with my emotions. I know it! It's like he's waiting to see if I'll give in and you know what, I'm not doing that anymore. This is my show, there's no way that I'm going to be some boys play thing.

Alright, now that that's out of my mind, today was actually really fun. I hung out with my best friend David and my brother. About David, I don't think I've mentioned him before...he means so much to me. Our friendship is priceless. Noo, I'm not in love with him but there was a time where I wish I had been. He's just one of those really nice, sweet guys. Respectful, silly, childish when needed to be and knows exactly how to cheer someone up. But for all the potential we would have together, I just can't date someone without being attracted to them at least a little bit. I'd feel like I'm cheating them and myself; I wish my heart wasn't so stupid. He's perfect and he's right there but my heart keeps saying no. My mind knows it would work out perfectly but my heart isn't ready I guess...I don't know. Life is a tad confusing sometimes.

Summer has been a bore too. It doesn't even feel like summer to me. The seniors graduated last Friday. I thought I would cry since most of them are my friends, but I didn't. I don't really care anymore. I'm never going to see most of them again anyways, so it's sad but I'm just like whatever about it. Life goes on and so must I. Can't keep trying to hold onto something you never actually had anyways. Well, gotta do some homework so catch you guys another time. :)

SCREW YOU!!!!!!

I am NOT supposed to be the man in the relationship. So why don't you grow some fucking balls and make a decision: Ask me out OR stop toying with my emotions. It's such a simple task, I'd advise you to do it before the bitch in me comes out and shows her face.

I HATE this House.

I remember when the emptiness of this home used to be so reassuring. The smell of something new clung to my hopes and dreams and I was sure that this would be the place where I could find comfort and solace. But a year has gone and passed and I can't stand this house and it's vastness. I can't stand the expensive furniture and the exotic paintings or the soft, beige carpets and the bright kitchen. I hate hearing the "click" of the locks as my key opens my personal hell hole and I really, really can't stand walking up the stairs into the white walls of my boring bedroom. I guess you could say I have MAJOR cabin fever and I've only been in here for two days. The thing is, If it was up to me I would never be home. I would be outside walking around the neighborhood or at the pool laughing with my friends, or maybe at the bookstore curling up in one of those big, velvet red couches they have. I would never ever be at home where the comfort of four walls can only excite someone for so long.I blame my mom. She won't let me go out or walk or ride my bike. I know she does it out of love but gosh darn it, a girl just wants to be FREE sometimes. I hate being the little bird stuck in a cage watching as everyone else around me goes out about their business. I am so pissed off but I'm sure it's not only this that's bothering me...it's this stupid math class I'm helping my mom with. She makes things so damn difficult! She's just been pushing my buttons and making my crazy; anymore of this and I might really explode! Then there's Willy. I really do like him and I want him to know but he's a senior and he's leaving me...I know he's going to forget everything too, it's what seniors do best. They get their diploma at graduation, say their goodbyes and farewells, make broken promises of visits, and they never come back. Life goes on and it's only when you realize they didn't come visit that you know they're really gone. I've been so sad about this because most of my "friends" were seniors this year and now they're going to be nothing more than just a face in the crowd. I really care, I wish they knew how much I really do care. Ugh...my life is this big jumble. I've gotten into some interesting things (No not drugs). School sucked. Summer's starting to suck. The people I love dearly are leaving. My mother is annoying the crap outta me. I don't know what I want. AND I REALLY really DON'T want to be in this stupid house of mine!!!!!!
I know...I'm blowing up. Sorry everyone. For blowing up and for not writing for two months....life has been crazy.


-Ana

You Can't Control Who You Fall For.

My heart has chosen.

I am not in control of how I feel for someone or if I'm attracted to someone. I can control what I do about it...and in this case, I've decided to do nothing. I'm just gonna rock the boat and see how it goes. What else am I supposed to do? I really like you and you're probably no good for me but my heart has already given itself away.

My friends don't understand this. Especially my closest guy friend, Dave. He just thinks that I can control who I like and who I don't like. That I can stop thinking about Willy whenever I want. But it's been a week now and he has been a thought in my head every single day. No matter how hard I have tried to stop thinking of him, he's always there. I can't even lie about it. My mom asked me if I liked him and I couldn't even keep a straight face. I tried to say "No" but my smile and blushing cheeks gave that answer away real quick.

He hugged me...I just walked home in this trance-like state thinking, "Hugs. It went from tapping on the shoulder to hugs in like...a day!" Lol...I know, childish thinking. But I couldn't help it. I haven't liked someone in so long that I've kinda forgotten what it feels like to flirt and joke and just be Happy. Gosh, I'm just so happy it's pretty ridiculous. Dave doesn't make me feel any better though. He always tries to bring me down because I like Willy. Sadly, he succeeds sometimes. I mean I shouldn't like him, I'm just accepting that I do and we'll see where it goes from there. Hopefully I won't be too shy. I wish I wasn't so darn shy...ugh. Oh well, maybe tomorrow will be one of those days in which everything turns out right :)

Oh snap, Chem homework and Civics worksheet...I'll write more maybe Sunday-ish. Night everyone

Happy 4/20...I like You.

You're in my head.

Still smiling that stupid, irresistible smile; the one no girl, especially one like me, is safe from.

You really do smoke. You really do need something to keep you on that supposed "wonderful high." So today must be your day, isn't it? I bet, later on today or maybe at night who knows, you'll be with your "friends" smoking a j and swigging down some Ecstasy. Oh come on, baby. We all know you do it now. I know you do it now.

How does it feel honey? To be the smartest, nicest, and hottest kid in school and yet, be a drug addict. Maybe I'm going to far, maybe you're not addicted. You can "stop whenever" you'd like can't you?

God I don't understand. You could be anything you want and you choose to be this?! Why can't you see what I see? Why is it that I see such a wonderful person and all you do to yourself is kill yourself. Such a slow way to die. I don't need you. I don't know you. And I certainly don't love you. But you know what willy? I LIKE you. I really really like YOU. And you don't know, and you probably will never know. These past 5 days, you've been running circles in my head and the same thought keeps crossing my mind. "What if he gets hurt? What will I do? What will his family and friends do? Who will we become without such a wonderful person in our lives?"

I think I know what I've been trying to deny for these past few days. Not only was I trying to deny liking you, but also, I was trying to stop caring. It is so difficult to stop caring for someone when you want to help them. But who am I? I'm just a girl. You're just a boy. We live on the same world yet on totally different universes. Gosh, it sucks.

It sucks because I want you so bad. And I can't have you at all.

What the...?

I am so out of it today. I don't know what's wrong with me. Today, everything seemed like it was moving so slow and yet so fast. I didn't want to get out of bed and slept in til two pm! And now, I'm watching Pride and Prejudice with only one person on my mind.

My cousin is better thankfully. He will be out of the hospital by Tuesday which is wonderful. I long to see him run and jump; he's confined to his hospital bed and I must say, it's made him really unhappy and moody. They got all the fluid out of his lungs though, that's the important part.

I don't think I've told you about Willy have I? Well, there's not much to say, at least, I don't think so. He's a senior I've been lucky to meet this year. He sits at the very far end of the table, very happy kid. Always smiling. He's a really handsome kid with the bluest eyes I've ever seen. He's also very kind and funny. And yet, for such a pretty face lies an ugly lifestyle. Supposedly, he does drugs. In fact, it's all he can talk about, possibly all he can think about. I'm not allowed to think of him, I've made that pretty clear to myself. I've found that when you don't allow yourself to do something, it makes it that much harder to not do it. Since Thursday I've been like this : irritable, disconnected, pre occupied. My thoughts have been held by this one person for these past few days and I can't take it anymore! If I keep thinking about him, I'm sure my head is bound to explode. My mind and my heart are already at war with each other, one trying to talk some common sense into the other and the other wanting desperately to disregard the truth. I was doing so well too, almost went an entire year where no one had my thoughts or my feelings all twisted up into bits of confusion like this. It's not fair! Why do all the cute ones always have something wrong with them; too selfish, too conceited, into drugs, not reliable, and definitely not trustworthy. I think God made guys all wrong. He should've given the not so attractive guys handsomer faces since they usually would make the best boyfriends.

What surprises me so, is that I can't stop thinking about him. Ever since I found out what he did, he's been a constant thought in my head. What he does disgusts me to the core but it just seems so out of character for him. I can't think of him doing that! Every time I tell myself "he does drugs. Forget it." the more he runs circles around my head. Even my parents can notice this! Of course, I don't think they know it has anything to do with willy, my step dad says he feels as thought I'm lost and he's right. I am just so completely out of it...it seems like every where I turn there's a new object of stress in my path. If I turn right, my grades - which are not at all satisfactory to me no matter how hard I try - consume me, if I turn left, the idea of analyzing every person I know to see who is my real friend taunts me, however if I keep going straight ahead, this boy who I know is definitely No good for me whatsoever clouds my mind with fog. There's no option of going back, it's not like the past can be undone and so my means of escape seem limited.

I am just gonna go now...maybe if I don't think, maybe it'll go away.

- Ana

To Willie...

I hate your blue eyes and the way they crinkle when you laugh or smile. Or the way they shine into the very depths of my black soul, bringing in some light to a lonely heart.

I hate your golden hair and how you have to flip it every time it goes into your eyes and how it reflects the sunlight and blinds me a little.

I hate your lips and how much I wish I could kiss them every time I see you.

I hate it when you hug me because it's never close enough and it's never long enough.

I hate your hands and how they shake when you hold mine.

I hate being around you because my words never come out right and I always do a great job at making a fool out of myself.

I hate how your face crinkles up when you're unsure or feel bad for someone.

I hate how you always try to surprise me by coming up behind me.

I hate how we have to go separate ways every time I say goodbye; You to your bus and I on the long walk home.

I hate how you invade my thoughts and affect my mood.

I hate that one text from you is enough to make my heart beat way too fast and my hands shake with excitement and joy.

I hate that when you look into my eyes, my whole face reddens and I can barely find the strength to look you in the eye as well.

I hate how nonchalant you are and how at peace you make me feel...other than those butterflies in my stomach of course.

I hate the way you look at me, they way you talk and laugh with me....

And I REALLY can't stand how much I love all these things about you. It makes it that much harder for me to accept you're leaving.

I Don't Wanna Go.

My baby cousin is in the hospital with pneumonia...I don't wanna go. It's not because I have anything against him, I love him with all my heart, I just...don't wanna go. I hate hospitals. It always smells like death is right around the corner and everywhere you go you see sick, helpless, poor people. And I can't heal them; I can't make them stop crying and screaming...I can't take away their pain.

I was supposed to be going to a meeting uptown today to talk with our school officials and leaders but it looks like that won't be happening any time soon. My step dad wants me to go, my brother is of course being the 'good' child and agreeing with him, and my mom expects to see me there.

I bet all of you are thinking, "It's your family! How could you even for a second think of not going?" And you know what...I agree with you. But I can't hide my true feelings. I don't wanna go their. I don't wanna see him. I don't even wanna know he's sick. I don't even though I know I should be feeling the exact opposite way.

I've been like this for awhile now. Selfish, forgettable, too busy for everyone I love and care for . I don't know why either; It all started last summer too after that horrible break up and feeling like no one cared. No one did care either, they were too busy living their lives, soaking up the sun. I guess because they didn't care before now I don't notice or care to notice. I don't know, am I messed up for feeling this way? I hate not being able to make my own choices...I hate depending on other people to do things for me, and I can't stand it when people tell me who I am supposed to be. I don't even know who I am. I just don't understand anything going on in this life of mine.

One of my friends said I ignore everyone at our lunch table. That's not true though! They're the ones who don't include me, who didn't take the time or even care enough to know more than just my face and my name, I'm the one that doesn't belong there. I finally realized my role with many of my "friends" at the lunch table. I'm the invisible girl. The one everyone sees but can't really "see". You see her face but don't know her name. Sometimes, you forget she's filling the empty space next to you...when was she next to you? Has she always been there? I think I know what I have to do now.

give up.

This entire sophomore year, I've struggled with myself, my grades, and even bigger, my friends. I've spent months trying to close the gap and it was all in vain. The entire first semester I spent trying to feel like I belong and when I finally felt like I belonged I tried to close the gap but now I see I don't belong anywhere. I belong to no one and have consequently become no one. Which isn't too bad...it just gets lonely sometimes. Knowing you have no one to talk to or to connect with hurts. Sure, I have my family and they're wonderful...but sometimes I want friends...real friends. And I can only think of 2 people but even we are growing apart.

Life sucks. And this world is a cruel cruel place. I hope God comes soon so that I don't have to be here anymore.

-Ana

Ana, You Be Just Who You Are

Today was not a bad day but not a happy day. It was just a day that I am probably going to forget forever as soon as this week is over.

This really scary thought keeps pestering at me too, I keep thinking that I'm going to lose all my friends after this year is gone. Most of them are seniors and I know that as soon as they go their ways, it will be like they never existed. Like I made them up in my own mind...They're not the type of people I can replace nor are they the type of people that I would want to replace. I'm going to miss them...so much. They don't know how much they mean to me either; I'm too damn shy! There's so many things I wish to say but every time I wish to say them, the words are never right and then my head is spinning and I just want to disappear in a box that can contain all of my emotions and keep them where they should be...inside.

I've also decided that I will never ever EVER major in chemistry or any type of science. I hate it!!! It seems as though no matter how hard I try and how much I study I can't amount to anything in their!! :( whatever. Grades and school are not something I want to think about on my 15 minute break.

I haven't loved someone in a while. It will almost be a year...in June. It's not that I don't want to love either...It's just that there's no one that has caught my eye yet...I don't know. I'm not very good at relationships. I'm too shy; I couldn't even have a regular conversation with my ex that's how bad it was! Eh, maybe I'm just not ready to love even though I can assure you I wish I was. Well, there's always a time for everything, I guess romance will have to wait and stay in my dreams where everything is usually the way things should be...except for yesterday. I had the strangest dream about my ex's mother and she was going off to the military. But it was strange because I was in this big house with all my friends and we were standing in line for some type of magazine. It was sooo bizarre; I woke up and just couldn't figure it out...I still can't. Well, my break's up :( Hopefully I can get on on Thursday. Tomorrow is gonna be the another busy day with 3 tests, a meeting for people running for an office spot, and then another meeting with schools around the state in our little uptown city. More laterss

love,

Ana

I Don't Know Why I Didn't Come...

It looks beautiful outside, so sunny that I could almost taste the happiness it brings. And yet, I'm stuck here in this prison of mine. I promised myself that when I graduate from high school I will travel the world. How? I don't know but I do know that I will be doing it. I'm sick of my life. I have no real friends, my family seems to be moving and leaving me behind, and I lost the one person who meant so much to me. He was the only person who loved me when I said I hated the world, the only one to be there in my moments of pain. But now, he seems to have disappeared and I want change so badly. Someone once told me that high school is supposed to be one of the greatest times of your life. I would just like to tell that person that you are the stupidest and most naive person I have ever met; HIGH SCHOOL SUCKS!!! Especially if you're a perfectionist who tries so hard to excel but can't get the grades you want. I'm ready to give up...actually, I really want to just stop caring. But I can't.

So this is it huh? This is how life is supposed to be. I'm forever condemned to live a boring life, work in an office, scrape by to make a living, get married, have children, cook and clean for other people, forget who I am and who I once was, become a zombie who is satisfied with the same routine, the same faces, SAME SAME SAME SAME! ugh! I want so much more to happen! I want to wake up and every day is different. I want to travel and learn about the other people who surround us. I want to take risks and I want to succeed, and I want to love and to live. And yet, here I am. Stuck in the same old fricking house, with the same uncaring friends,and the same grades as last week and last year and the year before that. I'm trapped.

love,

Ana

She Spins Her Tails

Broken.

I've always wondered if we come into this world just to be broken so that we could find the right person to put us back together again. From as far back as I can remember - which isn't very far as I seem to have repressed my childhood memories - there are only three or four precious moment in which I can say I was truly happy. Moments in which I was truly laughing and smiling...truly there. But somewhere along this dark road called life, I got lost. I don't know who I am or who I am supposed to be. I don't know why I'm here and who I'm here for. All I do know, is that it's almost two in the morning and I can't sleep.

My name is Ana. Welcome to my first blog post in three years and I must say, it feels good to be back. I decided to come back as a way to speak and be heard without digging my grave as I tend to do when speaking with my family and friends. This blog is soley meant to be a solace to me; life hasn't been the best and I need a way out. It's what we teens do. As they say, when it gets tough, you either wimp out or get going. I'd like to get going :)

with lots of love,

Ana

P.S.

It's nice to meet you all!